The only reason that I hold on

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve happened. Or you can just put the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

I failed Math 2.
FAILED Math.
35% for MATH.

There goes my H2 Math.
There goes BCME.
There goes medicine.
There goes mission.

I lose things, lose marks, lose results, lose interviews, lose opportunities,
Lose friends, lose dreams, lose hopes, lose fighting spirit, lose goals,
And I'm on the verge of losing myself.

So what else can I lose, except for my life?

I don't like what I'm [seemingly] succeeding,
And I'm not succeeding in what I like.
I can't keep those I love near me, safe and sound, and happy.
I lost my teammates, batchmates.
I can try forever and all that I get is nothing but the line,
Loser, why are you still trying?

Everyone's good at something, if not studying.
I'm not good at anything.
Don't say basketball, everyone has gotten into team for at least once in their 3-4 years, except for the loser here.
Don't say studies, or explain to me why I am failing Math. Nope, paper's too hard's not a reason.
Don't say WSC, I screwed up econs cos I couldn't think fast enough. And now I'm scared of it, I don't want to approach it anymore.
I can't really think of anymore atm.

I am driving myself crazy.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever." -Lance Armstrong

Thus, I am NOT wallowing in self-pity, I am studying for Biology.
Because I promised her.
And if I can finish all my notes by today, I'll go out tomorrow. Maybe it'll take my mind off Math.
Cos I thought I was suicidal on the bus home just now.

Missing

“ Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never be fully fixed. ”

I'm missing a lot of things now.

I miss rgsbasketball.
I miss training with them, getting scolded, water breaks, jokes, physical, cramming into mr ang's car, talking rubbish, games, everything, with them.
rgsbasketball = sec4'10 batchmates, sec3s, sec2s, sec1s juniors, Mr Ang and Mr Ong.
Not anyone else. For now.

I miss WSC.
I miss the competition, I miss that kind of rush you get,
But I miss the people more.
I miss going crazy with them, whining and laughing and doing last minute cramming with them, talking rubbish, staying up, quizzing each other, screaming when we realise that we didn't memorise something, attacking each other's schools, so many.
WSC = Seniors + Juniors + Trainers.
I don't want to think about June; I can't stand it.

Guess what.
Life changed.
And I don't miss you anymore.

Btw, the most trivial of all, Chem and English were fine. Well maybe not fine when I didn't manage to finish English and got one mark deducted for Chem so far.
To all my friends who THINK they screwed Chem up. 1. I bet you didn't and 2. There are so many other exams you can score in!

I really hope you're not angry with me. ): I'm so sorry.

"The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God." - William Blake

End of part one;

"I have no regrets. I wouldn’t have lived my life the way I did if I was going to worry about what people were going to say." - Ingrid Bergman

First part's finally over.
I found out that I really truly deeply madly love my teammates.
And I think I've annoyed them.
And I feel sad and sorry and worried and determined to cut off my tear glands.
I LOVE ANNABELLE HUA AND CHENG ANQI (L)

Time for Chem.

-

Some people are just F-A-K-E.
While some others are living in SELF DENIAL.
Well, take a GOOD LOOK at yourself before making any comments; you really don't match up to your words.

-

Bronze for Arts, a gift from God. (:

Quotes

Tired,
But all the hard work paid off.
(:

Bowl tomorrow. So a quick post here and off I go to memorize my Econs and Science. I WILL SUCCEED!

Some nice quotes, in replacement for a picture. (:

"It’s not books you need, it’s some of the things that once were in books. The same things could be in the “parlour families” today. The same infinite detail and awareness could be projected through the radios and televisors, but are not. No, no, it’s not books at all you’re looking for! Take it where you can find it, in old phonograph records, old motion pictures, and in old friends; look for it in nature and look for it in yourself. Books were only one type of receptacle where we stored a lot of things we were afraid we might forget. There is nothing magical in them at all. The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us. " - Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Haha books suck burn them! (x

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default."- J.K. Rowling

I really like this. (: But well maybe it doesn't apply to losers like me cos I fail too many times alr. Haiz.

"Nothing Brings People together more than mutual hatred" - Henry Rollins

A world divided much? :D

OKAY! Cup/Bowl time. Should I drown myself in coffee? Sounds tempting.

Love, me.

Fight on,
Please.

-

It's 2 hours to WSC and I can't sleep. Oh wells. Maybe I should have spent this time remembering more stuff like history and Al Rassan, but I don't care.

I love WSC'10 team. Everyone. (L)

Sorry I know I am like the official cry baby + loser + weakling of WSC alr.
I promise, I will severe my tear glands when I get the chance to. It is ANNOYING OKAY I swear.

Ah I just so many things things to say but I can't express it out ugh I hate words. But it's okay I'll give everyone a one liner here. :D
AARON haha thanks for being a nice taptap opponent! Loves.
BEATRIX thanks for being a really cute + funny + awesome junior! Loves.
BENNY thanks for being so ever super nice encouraging me giving me positive feedback! Loves.
DAYNA thanks for forever being drunk cos it's really entertaining! Loves.
CLARENCE thanks for being the same ol' clare-bear that's so fun to bully! Loves.
EDINA thanks for being a really nice junior who's fun to be with! Loves.
GALEN haha I like the motion THBT Galen should be executed. Loves.
GLORIA thanks for being Doraemon you shall always be! Loves.
JIYEON short hair ftw! You're awesome, Loves.
KIMBERLY haha thanks for being cute + awesome + appreciating my cookies! Loves.
MIN SEOK thanks for being the IRRITATING North Korean! Loves.
REBECCA thanks for always being there. Loves.
SATHIA we have so many things in common but the most important thing is we're BOTH cool. Loves.
WAN YII haha thanks for being...cute sorry lack of words sucks. Loves!
YIWEI thanks for being awesome and being yourself when you're around me. Loves.

And of course.

"Remember that time when we were first assigned teams? I was so afraid. Because I know you two are very good and I was afraid that I would pull us down. But through the many trainings we had and we got to know each other better, I became less afraid. You two are still very pro. It's just that I begin to have faith in you guys that I can depend on you and you won't blame me for anything and you guys would probably shoot me if I'm too hard on myself. The faith that you guys are and will always be there for me, thick and thin. That gave me confidence. Now, I hope you can have this faith in me and Anqi as well. It's not the outcome that matters, it's the journey. We are here for each other and we love each other very very much. [...]" - Annabelle.

You know what friends. I do. And that's the reason why I dare to stand on that stage even to speak, because I know you guys won't ever shoot me down for making the stupidest mistakes. I know that even if I pull the two of you down, which I most probably would, you guys will still love me the way I am.
Thank you for loving me, my dearest, irreplaceable teammates, Anqi and Annabelle (L)

AH I AM A SUCKER AT WORDS RAWR.

0.5 hours to leaving house. Starting on Psychology now. (Not from the beginning, don't worry)

-

Right.
Happy 16th Steph Siow! Belated fine. (L)

Basketball

I am having basketball withdrawal symptoms. ):

I MISS TRAINING I MISS RUNNING I MISS DRILLS I MISS PANTING I MISS CHEERING I MISS LAUGHING I MISS FORMATIONS I MISS WARM UPS I MISS SWEATY TEAMMATES I MISS TOUCHING THE BASKETBALL I MISS MY SHOES I MISS WATER BREAKS I MISS DEBRIEF

I MISS JUNIORS I MISS BATCHMATES I MISS RGBBALL

I MISS WATCHING BBALL ON TV AND TALKING ABOUT THEM IN TEAM

I want to go back for training.
But it's okay.
I will.
Next week.
Next week.
WHOO!
NINE DAYS.
:D
Hopefully no more disruptions.
Or I'll die.
Cos it'll be like,
ONE ENTIRE MONTH WITHOUT BBALL.
O:

Crossroads;

Math is screwed. I mean seriously, I really just needed 5 more minutes. Sucks.
I'm friggin depressed.

AHH WHATEVER.

Chem up next. I better get to the bottom of Electro-Chem.
Remember our study dates, Nico and De. (L)

-

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
They just stopped fighting.
Yeah, I want them to fight on.
I want them to win it.
But are they willing?
Will they be happy?

I don't know, I just want them to be happy.
Cos I love them.

-

"She stares at herself in the mirror. She doesn’t notice how gorgeous she is. She doesn’t give herself credit for being such a great person. A wonderful friend. A great listener. He doesn’t see her beauty, and now, neither does she. "- (I'm not mentioning)

#101 Accomplished!

The title says it all. :D

I have finished:
1. Math Assignment all the questions all on my own :D
2. Economics mind map for part 2 :D

And I will finish:
1. Memorising Art and Music :D
2. Reading Economics part 1 :D

And these had made me feel actually prepared for my exams and not as hopeless for WSC :D
(I'll do Chinese and SS tomorrow.)

I LOVE MCs. OFFICIALLY.
Ohoh, studying with DE (L) tomorrow :D

#100

Yufei starts her crazy emo crap once again, isn't it.
But well, that really sums up a lot that I want to say.

I bet you've blocked me, but.

Anyway. Here's an announcement.
I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW ;D
I can't memorize my art and music ):
I have not decided what topic to memorize tomorrow.
And I haven't finish econs.
Okay, that's four announcements.

Ah wellz. Back to art!


It's nothing, it's just the picture. It's pretty.

Mindless ramblings;

YEAH MANZ.

Papers are not scary.
The new church seems pretty good. And it's call Centre of New Life :D

Except for WSC.
Which should just be pushed back for 1 month.
I promise I'll study if it is actually pushed back for one month.

No training this week.
That would sum up to be a whole 3 weeks without bball.
C'mon manzsx. One more week to a whole month.
Ruined by the woman. Cool manzsx.

Anyway.
Fixtures are out and they are screwed.
Well well.
Weird schools are in finals. O.O
Whatever.
All the best anyway.
Try to last past the first round. Seriously. Not because of your skills, but because of your mindset.
Here's a quote.

Mistakes are part of the game. It's how well you recover from them, that's the mark of a great player. - Alice Cooper

Well. Whatever it is. Don't take offense from a lunatic's blog.

Bye. It's Math, Chinese and WSC.

Remember me;

Movie with Annabelle today (: HEART TO HEART TALKS FTW. ;D Well, or otherwise known as noisy chatter. (x

I just realised that 5 jianbaos are due on Monday. Excellent-o.

-

Emotions wasted. Literally.
It's alright. I'm the crazy one, all the time, anyway.

Hurting myself;

you have to know how to protect yourself. from danger and from broken hearts. sometimes you might be able to cure your broken heart. but that is not easy to do. and it probably takes a very long process for it to heal completely. sometimes it may never even heal completely.

you have to know how to protect your heart because that's the only organ that is true to you. your mind might play tricks on you. but your heart simply would not.

But I don't know how to do just all that.

Hey guys, I'm really fine. I know now I feel like some weakling to all of you and well. I don't blame you for that.
Ugh, sometimes I'm disgusted at myself.

Well, yes I broke down during debate yesterday. Stupid right. I thought that was the dumbest thing to do rawr. No, I swear, it wasn't purely about the debate.
Well it was, partially. Don't say it was good. I know you don't mean it you're just being nice. It sounded so super screwed lah. Everyone was like giving me this are you talking rubbish look.
Okay then part two is the whole stupid quiz thing rawr I almost got everything wrong. I can't memorise details!!! So I have to be good in debate. Like that's kinda the reason I got in in the first place. This is bad. Really bad.

And well, all those added together are still not the main reason. They are the sparks, yes. But. No.

-

My life's screwed. And I have been the cause of it.
You know what, I can't even take care of my own life. Every part of my damn life is screwed. Idk why but it just is.
I can't keep my friends with me. Even if I can, it's just temporary. And even if I can, I can't keep them safe.
So what if I can keep all the memories with me wherever I go? It just shows that I'm only capable of doing so.
I mean, He doesn't even care.
Damn it lah.

And you know what. If I screw WSC up, which I most probably do,
I should just go and jump off the building.
Useless lah. Three years in bball and not even zone team. So what if I'm actually the only person who cares? It's just epic useless. And plus, I suck at the sport anyway. So who am I to even care.
So what if I like it manzsx.

I can't do anything properly lah.

What's the point. I'm just born screwed and a loser. Like epic loser.

-

Anyway, thanks guys. (: All of you; trainers and teammates. (L) you guys ttm. :D
Sorry for having such a useless and screwed teammate like me. ):

Persona;

And btw, I don't need you to take up my persona.

Guys and Girls;

Girls are dumb, and are bound to get their hearts broken.
And guys are jerks. Forever.

WSC'2010 (L)

I think today's WSC was really really fun! Yay me loves muah team :D I think everyone's getting really bonded! :D YAYYYYYYY (L)

Aaron Annabelle Anqi Beatrix Benny Clarence Dayna Edina Galen Gi Heung Gloria Kimberly Min Siok Rebecca Sathia Wan Yii Yiwei Yufei + Ms Yap Mr Tern Mr Ong Mr Lu Ms Hoe Ms Ong;
(L)(L)(L) !

Lunch with them tomorrow, and dinner with HMCA TEAM! (L)

-

It's alright, I don't have to have YOUR BOYFRIEND as my bestfriend. Like, eww, sick.
Even if it has all been a lie, you won't even understand those things we've done before, WITHOUT YOU.
But whatever. AnyTHING associated with you should have already been automatically labeled with (fill in the terms you want yourself).
Whatever. You won't even see me again. So I guess it's pretty useless rebutting this point, which I forsee you will, but still.
It should be thoroughly illogical to you anyway.

-

No really, stop trying so hard.

-

Bye.

I love him, really ):

他的輕狂留在 某一節車廂
地下鐵裡的風 比回憶還重
整座城市一直等著我
有一段感情還在漂泊

對他唯一遺憾 是分手那天
我奔騰的眼淚 都停不下來
若那一刻重來 我不哭
讓他知道我可以很好

我愛他 轟轟烈烈最瘋狂
我的夢 狠狠碎過卻不會忘
曾為他 相信明天就是未來
情節有多壞 都不肯醒來

我愛他 跌跌撞撞到絕望
我的心 深深傷過卻不會忘
我和他 不再屬於這個地方
最初的天堂 最終的荒唐*

如果還有遺憾 又怎麼樣呢
傷了痛了懂了 就能好了嗎
曾經依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪

我愛他 轟轟烈烈最瘋狂
我的夢 狠狠碎過卻不會忘
逃不開 愛越深越互相傷害
越深的依賴 越多的空白
該怎麼去愛

如果還有遺憾 是分手那天
我奔騰的眼淚 都停不下來
若那一刻重來 我不哭
讓他知道我可以很好

I love you. Yes, those memories still haunt me. Yes, sorry I'm weak, I can't stop crying for you.
Sorry, I truly promise to be brave.

HI ANQI :D

You know that I love you (:
Don't stress out for WSC k. I know it's tough but we'll all be here!
Love you forever (:

bestfriends;

I have 4 bestfriends. Though I lost 2 along the way, I still consider them as my bestfriends.

I consider them as my bestfriends because:
1. We have telepathy (:
2. They'll do anything for me.
3. They are extraordinary.
4. I'm willing to die for them (well not really counted since I don't mind dying for any of my friends)
5. They are the ones who create the most amount of memories with me.
6. They are the ones who can make me smile like a lunatic for hours.
7. They are just the ones I love with all my heart. (:

Like what he said, one can have so many friends, so many good friends,
But he can only have one/a few bestfriends.

Love you guys, you 4 should know who you are.

But I love my other friends too. (:
Like how he did it.

-

I miss basketball. Both the sport, and the team I train with. MAYBE even batchmates, idk.

Fighting;

I got into RMUN after all. THANKS SO MUCH SHERYL ;D You're awesome (L)

WSC was superrrr demoralizing. Like I was below average for art and can't understand quantum physics when the entire class has.
But it's alright.
I'm going to mug for it like crazy. Mug mug mug.

Tomorrow's academics day. I WILL sort out ALL my notes and start reading them and finish all revision exercises and papers that I need to. I WILL DO IT.
English Math Chinese mostly. Everything else is almost done, anyway :D

-

On 13/3, your birthday. I wonder if you have given up on the friendship. I wonder if you think that there's really no need to try anymore. But I can't blame you. And I won't. Cos though I might appear to care a lot in smses, presents, msn, whatever not, I can never muster up the courage to even TALK to you in church. I'm a nobody. I had never really fought for you, for your friendship and everything. I'm not worth you, I'm sorry.
Today was supposedly the last time I can see your face, hear your voice, hear the keyboard we used to love, and where we started, and everything. So I guess it's alright? I really wanted today to be better, to be one that I can remember. But well. What did I expect, right.
This might be a farewell for life, or maybe you'd see me again in June. Whatever it is, I don't know. But what I really want you to know is that, I have never, ever, ever in any moment regretted this friendship, and I can safely say that throughout the course of this 4 years, I have never, ever treated this friendship with less that wholehearted. I have no regrets, and I don't hate you for leaving me out of your life at the very end. Whatever it is, I just want to tell you, thanks for all the lovely memories during the course of this 4 years. Thank you so much; you've really made me human; made me go though sadness, joy, love, everything.
Just want to wish you all the best, in all that you do. Please keep me posted on your fixtures, I will definitely go down (:
ILY, CKZL. (:

11/3;

On 11/3, I feel that everything has gone back to normal. Here I am, the person you share almost everything with, first. Always. I feel so proud of you and happy for you, really. And thanks for making me the first, again, to receive the pleasant news. (L)

-

Was in the library with ANQI (L) yesterday. Well. Math made me depressed. But textbooks do help lots. :D At the least, they INSPIRE. Yeah, I actually finished the entire Revision Exercise 1. ;D
One more chapter to finish reading whatever I have to, for today's session! :D JOYYYYYY ;D
I shall pretend that Chinese is non existent.
English, Bio, Physics, Chem, Lit are non existent, too. I'm going to finish WSC and then take a look at hmm Chinese. YEAH. :D

-

Rain down on me, rain down on me; here in Your presence I am free. (L)
Before any WSC, KEYBOARD! (L)

Why are you so fake?
Is fame really that important to you?

Yeah, cut the crap about all those empty promises. Seriously?

You changed, to someone that no one recognizes already.
Stop saying that I'm not trying. Because I currently feel ashamed to be related to you,
Even in terms of acquaintances.

Get the hell out of my life. I don't know who you are.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That planet Earth turns slowwwwwly.

So that it'll actually wait for me.

-

There's still Nats people.

-

WSC. Bio + Chinese + Math tomorrow. But I love tomorrow anyway. Since I'll be FREEE to do anything that I want to, or in other words study as much as I can :D Yay.
(That sounded a little crazy, I admit.)

I'm looking forward to Friday :D ALICE IN WONDERLAND W ANQI + YIWEI! :D yay manzsx. And HMCA reunion lunch (L)(L)(L)
Life's good manzsx.

Maybe I should start working on the debate. And maybe I can go for a SWIM later on! :D

-

I forgot how it felt to love someone; the pain, the joy, the never forgetting memories of how when he takes a glance at you and your heart starts racing faster than any cheetah in the world.
And that doesn't feel good.
Seriously, I feel a lot less human since I stopped liking him. And currently reduced to taking each other as strangers.
Hmm.

I miss those times with you. And you. Be it crushing or not.

-

-On our way to tuition yesterday, after netball ssa-
WuYou: Let's go toilet let's go!
Yufei: o.O Are you normal?
WuYou: NO! I'm the incident ray :D

I baked today! :D Me very happy. People are getting them as birthday presents, again. (:

And I got my Nanny Bot already :D

Should I support netball tomorrow? ): I really want to, but there are gonna be random ppl which makes everything so awkward. D:

On 6/3, I could feel that you want us back again. I wonder if you can feel so in me, too. But whatever it was, I know you knew I didn't try, again, to let everything go back to normal. I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry for being the loser who only know how to cry when things happen.
Maybe next week. After all, its your birthday.

-

I don't like Chinese Lit cos I have missing handouts. I think in my fury, I burnt them.

(Relax, the second line's a lie.)

-

I finished my Chinese Lit notes! How was that possible, I don't know. I'm going to treat myself to a break, finish up Caleb's present and start on WSC. (:

And to top it off, I'VE GOTTEN TWO PARTS TO THE NANNY BOT. :D
So here's the whining: I WANT MY 3RD PARTTTTTTT! (yes I get what I whine. For MH only :D)

Yeah. Every freaking thing is my fault. Yeah yeah whatever, so what if you didn't spit it out?
You are thinking it, and it freaking SHOWS please?

C'mon lah. Stop thinking that you're so freaking great and that no matter what happens, you're not in the wrong.

Because, YOU FREAKING ARE IN THE WRONG. Yes, I'm saying it to your face now.

Next week is learning journey. Next next week is March hols. Day off on 1st April. Add together = a lot of time for WSC + SAs. :D

Me happy. :D

Wednesday's game against SC, 1pm at Delta. Maybe you wanna come and support my team. And I think I need a solution for my lj. Hmmm.

Anyway Founders was pretty well weird? But I liked Zhang Rui's performance. Thanks for the day anqi dear (L)

Physics, SS and CLit tomorrow. AH I NEED TO SETTLE MY LJ LAAAAA so annoying. Ivana you better reply or I'm calling you. LJ is so irritating )<

-

Can you please tell me why is it this hard? ): It's hard for you, and hard for me. Your eyes gave you away. Both of you, in fact.
Why can't we just end it?
I wonder.

Whatever happened to hopes, dreams, aspirations, promises and secrets.
I realised. It was just a big fat lie.
Now get out of my sight.

-

Eyes don't lie. I won't ever forget how childlike and happy you were when you told me you wanted to go for this course. And took a million flyers of the course. Telling the whole world you wanted to fly a plane.
And now, what is this?

Yeah, I am pissed with you. Maybe for once in my life.

Whatever.

-

And I shall go invent some homework for myself.
Oh, I flunked the stupid Bio test today. It was so freaking simple, yet I can't do it properly. I had to be careless. I had to flunk it. Yeah just HAD TO.
I don't understand why I am forever such a loser.

The day the computer started misbehaving,

Is that day that I have to write out a Commonwealth Essay based on it. ==

Oh and btw, I failed Math Journal. Awesome. I need to get it signed. Double Awesome. Does anyone want to forge it for me? :D

12 days to finish drawing 56 pages. Triple Awesome.